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Thursday, April 13th, 2006
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Have u ever dAted someone with the same name as an ex of yours?
this is my first time
& the guy whos name he has.... was the biggest most influential boy in my past.
funny
hardy harr harr
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... :insert sound of a beating heart:..
..next..
...:insert sound of silence:...
..next..
.. :insert blinking cursor: ..
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Hold your breath...& dive.
.... His name is James.
.... &it looks like Chiara is no longer single.
.... :)
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Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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Part of me feels this anger and frustration that is bringing me the closest iv been to tears... in a while.
hold my hand and lets run and climb to the top of the highest mountain and scream... just scream.
So on one hand I have more drama w/ u than I had w/ someone I was w/ for 16 months... & we aren't even together. You tell me the sickness and obsession in that. I can't have that, its purely unhealthy.
just friends.
thats all I can have.
thats all I can say.
-end.
& u...
You bring me to a point where I want to scream at the top of my lungs. The only good part of that, is that it reminds me Im alive and capable of feeling such extreme emotion. But iv had it. Using our past, our history, and our comfort is no excuse to completely ignore every word that comes out of my mouth. or to ignore my feelings and state of emotions.. cause hey, who the hell cares.. she'll be around forever, right?
-end.
...I don't know what it means.. what this means.. but i like it. i like hearing myself laugh as loudly as you make me laugh. i forgot that your jaw hurts when you smile for too long. thanks for reminding me. I forgot what it felt like .. to see someone who likes to see you smile.. and smiles, when you smile.
I forgot what it felt like ...all of this. And im not looking further than what I can see... All I can do is thank you for reminding me.
-end.
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Friday, February 17th, 2006
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Haven't written in this thing for so long... I don't know why.. Maybe its because of the fact I feel I write & no one reads.. Then @ the same time.. I don't really write to have the world read.. so I've been writing in a private journal.. But I think its about time for an update.
What I considered to be what I wanted .. a few months ago .. for some reason .. has completely changed.
I've come to this very weird point in my life.. that though I may be disappointed w/ people.. I don't try to change it. The person that comes out of someone when they are put in a certain situation.. is usually that person. Trying to change them or tricking them into reacting differently.. is pointless. Option A: That person changes.. Conclusion...: Its not real. Its forced. Its an illusion. Option B.. You struggle and kill yourself w/ the effort & the result will be disappointing none the less.
People are who they are.
They are meant for certain people. IF one is not meant for me.. would I be happy if I forced them to be? Perhaps that is why I've always felt such a feeling of emptiness. The expectations I had of people... they weren't necessarly too high.. they were just. .. unreal. Not them. Its amazing how much the world changes when you choose to see it from a different perspective.
I've felt this sufficating feeling of disappointment from almost everyone in my life. "But I KNOW he was capable of so much more"... so what? What does that mean?
You eventually just come to a point where you realize..
people are the way they are.. and you trying to change them.. is selfish.. & in a sense arrogant.
What power to I have? Power of persuasion?
The reality of it is.. Yeah.. I can tell you about your potential.. but @ the end of the day.. @ the end of all these passed days.. its selfish.. because if I try to make YOU a better person.. @ one point or the other I am hoping you also improve the way you are.. to me. the way YOU treat me.
Reality is... maybe we're just not meant to be in the place I've imagined & hoped for us to be.
This isn't about anyone particular. In all complete honesty.. its an analysis of what these passed few months have been to me.
I'm still single.
My friends are still the same they were months ago.
But... Im different.
Its scary.. but i can't deny feeling it.
--
Edit: I do wish I had someone. But I just realized, being a romantic... forcing somethin w/ the first guy tat comes along w/ leave me empty & unsatisfied. The very feeling that eats away @ me in the middle of the night when Im trying to fall asleep.. My mind races.. My heart races w/ it.. Im just.. racing away @ time
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Sunday, January 15th, 2006
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please tell me ur different.
please prove someone is.
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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
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Over U for
- being repetative
- being a liar
- making promises u cannot keep
- mixed signals
- the judgement u can't stop urself from making about me; constantly
- making me believe something that isn't true
- and something that isn't real
- being a cheater
- finding my weakness & abusing it
- having more faces than i could ever paint on a human being
- hurting me
[Not all same person]
&over u doesn't mean I was in love. Or loved you.
It just means there is no room for you here.
&that is NYR#1.
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Sunday, January 1st, 2006
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This year shall be filled w/ beauty, positive energy, glamour, strength & happiness.
& Im no longer going to be keeping around, people that don't make me happy.
((Last night was so fun...))
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Friday, December 30th, 2005
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Actually- Its funny when one day everything goes clear.
someone uv looked up to for years of ur life all of the sudden doesn't seem so idealistic anymore-
& its not for the "assumptions" because some were... & are .. now verified.
Its about what has literally been shown to me.
realistic.
real.
u.
& all of the sudden- the clearity leads me to silence-
& the words, u just don't do it for me.
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Truth be told-
I did the lifting.
& its off my back.
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Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
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my heart shattered by a male. for once not a love interest. not a guy friend. but my brother.
i could feel it racing w/ sadness.
for a moment, i wanted to cry.
everything i thought i knew about my family- shattered.
empty.
sad.
I know through all the brotherly sisterly fighting.. i see times where u look up to me.
why not now.
why not when i have something to say.
why can't u hear the word "ashamed".
why don't u care.
about me. mom. dad. all of us.
why are they more important.
why is it more important.
what about respect.
what about the intelligence i know u have.
why.
i haven't felt sadness in such a physical way in so long.
i can feel my stomach tightening.
and my breathing shortening
and tears
coming.
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Saturday, December 24th, 2005
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Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
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Honesty saved something for me and someone I know. It continues to save it every day. Never, ever, have I valued honesty as much as I do today. My life has always been a reaction to headgames w/ more headgames. And a desire to play headames to figure out feelings of another person.
Head Games Are Bull Shit
Theres nothing I hate more in life than not knowing exactly my status w/ a person. & that is to say that if "honesty" means having to find out someone actually wants nothing to do w/ me... I CAN DEAL W/ IT!
The worst is mixed signals.
I don't get why everyone can't just be honest. Don't you know it hurts me when you tell me I mean so much.. & yet all your actions prove otherwise.? Don't you care?
And then you're gone. When you convinced me to stick around & be patient.
I never thought you could hurt me.
And I don't think YOU even did.
Just your lack of honesty seemed to have stabbed us to death.
You're gone.
I'm gone.
Your number is gone.
So is your screen name.
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Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
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I cant believe i fell for it.
... Thank u for hurting me.
and fucking up a great friendship.. just for the sake of becoming JUST ANOTHER GUY. with ur bullshit.
I think Im going to move back to Italy. I know its the boy who cried wolf, but I have to get out of here.
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Thursday, December 15th, 2005
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I hate guys. Guys are losers :)
Oh my god! that totally felt like, awesome!
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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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Did u ever think ur mind to be so strong as to purposely create an idea of a person based on someone u know?
Let me explain.
Someone in my life used to mean a lot to me. at first, life was perfect. then sometime between the first and second break up .. came this illusion. You care about someone so much.. you begin to excuse the crap they pull, because you "thought" there was more inside of him, and that he "really" didn't mean it... if he did something bad to you.
I hope this is making sense to you.
But here's the reality. That person may not even BE pulling any crap..But you make yourself believe he is, so you can add to things that need to get you over him... and have something more to yell at him for.. "Because you truly care".
We tend to underestimate the powers of our mind and our heart. They can combine to pull all sorts of tricks on you. And although I do believe it's possible to "actually really loving someone but being too scared to show it or feeling too guilty... That one ends up trying to hide it"..
I was wrong about that guy.
But I wanted him to be that guy.
The two combine. You want that person to be something so bad in your life, that you start believing they already are.
I don't know what the rambling is for.
But its a weird realization. A disappointment, but a good realization none the less.
People are who they are. And they are what they are to YOU. You can't change it. Especially not by you trying to make yourself believe otherwise.
Just a thought. I should try to go to bed.. damn insomniac.
Im wondering ... about my new years kiss...
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Monday, December 5th, 2005
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This weekend was completely life changing for me.
And the entry can't even go as private on here.
it is actually being written in my private stuff at home.
ya.. magic mushrooms..
I would have never expected wat was to come.
xo
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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You want to know the truth? Yeah I feel empty. Yeah I feel incomplete. There are nights I cry myself to sleep. There are days I question who I am. Ever since I decided not to lower my stardards.. but actually raise them. Deciding, if I'm going to be w/ someone, I've got no time for babies. I've got no time for immature cheating rats. I've got no time for some loser needing to play games to report back to his crew of loser friends. I just don't have that kind of time anymore. I had it. And it fucked me over. But hey,Im a new person now, right? But ever since I did put my standards "Oh so high" (cause loyalty, respect, and maturity is SO much to ask for)... Nothing. I am SAD. I am EMPTY. Do I write it all over my body to tell the entire world? NO. I am and will continue to be and fight to just be me. But I refuse to lower my standards to allow you to fit into them.
.
But do not expect me to show emotion when you try to play me shady in public.
and do not believe that the second you make me smile again I gain any sort of respect for you, the one I lost when you killed me inside.
.
I am torn inside. Yet at the same time consider myself to be a very happy human being. Grateful for the love I've felt, for the friends iv had and have.. for my parents, my life, my smile and my heart..
So yeah.
I am happy.
But that doesn't mean I don't have more going on inside me, deeper inside me.
.
Remember, I can judge as well as u can.
.
and the only thing iv got going on-is going nowhere.
.
So yeah. Im lonely. And yea. Im as happy as I could be, being incomplete.
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Friday, November 25th, 2005
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Youre not enough
no one is ever enough
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Hold on if you feel like letting go of reality.. just grasp on... wanting to let go of everything and everyone... dropping into something deep, dark...
Just don't let go.
Keep holding on to sanity. To reality. To security. To confidence. To a beating heart. To faith. To opportunity.
To the real touch . To the real smell. And to the real sight.
Tears never taste as salty as they do when you're crying out of fantasy.
When they result from the what ifs.
When they are... because you aren't.
All this makes sense to me right now. Dont care if it does to u. I'll read it tomorrow and still be holding on.
But ill still be alone.
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